Monday, November 15, 2010

Journey Journal 1

I am on an 8-9 week journey with the Lord. I am learning what it is like to surrender the things that have "held me up" for so long. You know, I have gotten so use to carrying around my own baggage that I don't think I will be able to stand up without it. Let alone, walk. I have gotten use to carrying it around, learning on it, claiming it as a part of my identity. I am not sure I know who I am with out all that stuff.

I am keeping a daily journal, but I have decided to blog this journey as well. Mostly because I am a verbal processor but also because in the last two weeks my world has been rocked, in a good way. I have learned more about my JESUS in the past two weeks than I ever thought possible. So, I am back, to blog, to post pictures, to process....

I have always been comfortable with the title LORD... when it comes to The One and Only. But I have never really embraced His title of Father, Abba, until now. I came across an AMAZING passage: Isaiah 43:2-4 from The Message translation.

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end—Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.

For some reason, after reading this passage, it hit me... HE IS MINE! ALL MINE! I read this passage and it felt like it was a letter from my Father, to HIS daughter. I can't contain the feelings that rush in like an out of control flame... it takes my breath away, my face gets hot, my hands get sweaty and my heart beats faster than ever before: He'd sell off the whole world, the very thing HE created with HIS own hands, just for ME... perfectly imperfect ME!

Part of this journey includes opening the baggage I have walked around with for so long, opening it, calling it by name, bringing it before HIM, honestly talking with HIM about it, leaving it with HIM and accepting whatever HE chooses to do with it.

In the midst of the business of this journey there are constant interruptions by a dearly loved 3 year old, the responsibilities of the Non Profit Ministry that is run out of our home are overwhelming and the fact that laundry has to get done, bathrooms need cleaned, groceries need to be purchased and meals need to be made are too much to handle at times, I have found my patience is less than normal.

I find that I get cranky at the drop of a hat. My response is a "NO" because it is what comes to mind first, rather than a "YES". My alone time is non-existent. My quiet time consists of any minute I can get away, and a few minutes or an hour or two on a good day after the 3 year old is in bed for the evening...

I find that I am constantly running to my Abba, my FATHER, for help. For His WORD says that when I am over my head, HE is there... and let me tell you, I have been over my head for a while now. I am constantly embarrassed by the way I respond to the sudden RUSH of emotions. I yell at my man for really no reason at all. I can hardly wait for nap time and bed time during the day, just the stillness of the house brings peace, in the midst of a rather consuming emotional time.

And yet... His love letter to me stands firm. I will not be consumed by the over whelming emotions of the journey. I will not drown as a result of my attempt to navigate these rather rough waters. And in the midst of it all, He would sell off the very thing HE created just for me. And yet, I am hardly functioning on a good day, and HE still thinks of me as worthy enough.

Pictures, processing and imperfections to come...

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